One institution endorsed by The International Church of Solipsology is Toastmasters International. This outstanding organization was founded in 1905 by Ralph Smedley, primarily for improving public speaking. Famous Toastmasters include Leonard Nimoy and Tim Allen. But public speaking is only one facet of being a Toastmaster. The first, unofficial Toastmasters meeting had Smedley and a few others presenting speeches which were evaluated by a group of younger men. The evaluation portion is important because it gives the speaker critical feedback on their performance. Not only that, it gives others ideas which they can also take away.
This necessitates the lost art of listening. The reason that I say the art is lost is because so many of us hear but do not listen when dealing with other people. We’ll listen to the radio. We’ll listen to the television, but when it is a two-way communication street, so many of us are so intent on imparting our own knowledge that we forget that others have knowledge as well.
I have a brother whom I saw recently after several years, and we both agreed on one of the best pieces of advice we had ever heard. It was spoken by our father and I have since passed it on to my children:
You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that ratio!
Everyone has an opinion and wants you to hear it. Social media had added to that stream of voices. There is so much chatter. We gloss over things. This is fine. Everyone should have a voice and not all are of interest to you. However, we tend to talk more than we listen and, with so many grains of sand to ignore, we run the risk of ignoring the important ones.
That was an unintentional consequence of what was to become known as the evaluation and is a key part of every Toastmasters meeting. Not only does participating in an evaluation give a speaker important feedback about their performance, but also forces the evaluator to listen and to listen very carefully. Some clubs even have a special quiz section at the end of the meeting about the proceedings to test the members’ listening skills. Evaluators give both written and oral evaluations, requiring thoughtful consideration.
Many deals have soured, relationships broken and wars started because one or both sides were more intent on speaking their piece, ramming their opinion down the other person’s throat, than on hearing the other person out with an open mind. It is a reality that people like to talk about themselves which is why the first assignment in Toastmasters is to deliver a speech about yourself. People find it the easiest topic to talk about. Why? Because it’s the topic they know the most about.
While this is very useful for a shy individual starting a speaking career, it can be disastrous in interpersonal communications. Think about the people you like the most. Apart from being witty and charming, they tend to be described as “good listeners,” meaning they listen to what you have to say and deliver a respectful, thoughtful and appropriate response. Now think about the people who irk you the most. They tend to be loud, boisterous and talk over the top of you. They don’t listen to what you say and their next sentence may have nothing to do with what you just said. One leaves the conversation holding such a person in low regard.
The difference is in the relationship between the two individuals. The more likeable person is one who is an equal participant in the conversation. They listen carefully, thoughtfully and respectfully before formulating a response because they respect your voice as an equal. The dislikeable person dominates the conversation and twists it to what they want, with no regard to the desires of the other person because they have no respect for anyone (often, not even for themselves which is why they try to compensate). They act as though they haven’t got ears, or that the ratio is disproportionate from reality, picking one or two choice phrases and spring-boarding to their own agenda.
You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that ratio. Excellent advice. The Church holds Toastmasters International in high regard for many reasons, not just because it values the worth and potential of all individuals, not just because it’s dedicated to giving confidence to the timid, but also because of this originally unintended, yet, today celebrated, side-effect: it enhances a person’s ability to listen and, thereby, to engage more intelligently and courteously in a peaceful and thoughtful world.
